How I Hate Loving Oliver Wood
by Kira Ashkelon
Summary: One girl's obsession with Oliver Wood as written down in her diary. Sort of a take-off of the book "Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging." Please read. It's rather funny.
1. 239: Oliver!

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
23 September  
  
**4:01 pm**  
  
Oliver Wood. A champion among Gryffindors for his astounding Quidditch skills. Signed a contract with Puddlemere United just after graduating from Hogwarts. Immediately became a star player because of his handsome face, wonderful charm, and damn sexy accent. Every teenage witch in the British Isles and beyond would kill for him. Unless they like girls.  
  
I know I would kill for him.  
  
Too bad it can only be a closet-obsession. After all, I _am_ the Head Girl of Slytherin House, _and_ one of the best players on the House team for Quidditch. I've even played Keeper against him. I just never would be able to live this down if people found out.  
  
Of course none of this changes the fact that he's drop-dead gorgeous. To. Die. For.  
  
At times like this I wish I was a lesbian. Then I wouldn't have these problems.  
**  
4:10 pm  
**  
Thought more on the lesbian idea. I'd probably end up having a crush on a Gryffindor girl and be stuck in this same horrible situation. Ah, how wonderful it is to like men!  
  
**4:15 pm  
**  
But _why_ Oliver Wood?!?!  
  
Because-  
a) He's the sexiest man alive  
b) He's sweet  
c) He's charming  
d) The _accent!  
_ e) He's God's gift to women  
f) He's a professional Quidditch player  
g) He's rich  
  
I'll stop now... Otherwise I'll be listing all night.  
**  
4:20 pm  
**  
Reasons to Hate Oliver Wood-  
a) Gryffindor  
b)  
c)  
d)  
  
Oh, bloody hell.  
  
**11:10 pm  
**  
So here's the whole story. There's at least one famous Quidditch professional out there in the world for each house (of course there's too many to be counted from Slytherin alone). The professors thought it would be such a great idea to bring one in for each house to help with the Quidditch try-outs. Of course it's a grand idea, but couldn't they at _least_ have warned me?  
  
So, la tee da, Snape sees me, snaps his fingers and is all Special guests-waiting-front of school-**_now_**_-BLAH! _Okay, so maybe that's not really an exact quote, but I honestly don't understand what's coming out of that man's mouth half of the time...  
  
So I get out there and meet Terry Thrasher, an old teammate of mine for a year before he graduated and who now is a Beater for Puddlemere. So here I am in Happy Reunion Land when here comes _THE_ sexiest man alive whom I hadn't seen in years either. What intelligent thing did I say? You... You... Ol... Oliver... Wood.... There's my sharp Slytherin mind at work.  
  
So I lead the sexiest man alive and Terry to their rooms, but Terry decides he wants to chat.  
  
I've never seen you so flustered over a boy before...  
  
But that's _Oliver Wood_.  
  
Yes, Renee. He _is_ Oliver Wood. Now that that's established...?  
  
So he's the sexiest man alive! And I haven't seen him for a few years and his sexiness has about quadrupled.  
  
True, but...  
  
Did you just _agree_ with me???  
  
  
  
So he stood there smirking mysteriously at me, then stalked off back to his lair.  
  
So I guess this means Terry likes boys. Or maybe he's bi. Now that I think about it, he never _did_ have a girlfriend...  
  
So does that mean Oliver's gay?  
  
I'm such a loser. I began every paragraph in this entry excluding the dialogue with How pathetic. I must try to sleep more often.  
  
**11:40 pm  
**  
You know it's bad when you can't get the terrifying image of two boys snogging out of your head. Especially when those two boys are Terry Thrasher and Oliver Wood.  
  
**11:45 pm  
**  
Reasons Not to be Incredibly Attracted to Oliver Wood-  
a) Gryffindor  
b) He may prefer men  
  
Then again, there probably are potions to change a person's sex... Snape would probably know _all_ about them, teehee....  
  
**11:51 pm  
**  
That's disgusting. I'd never stoop so low.  
  
**11:59 pm  
**  
Yes, I would.  
  



	2. 249: Rupert!

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
24 September  
  
**9:47 am  
**  
Phew! Ollie's not gay, I checked. Terry says he most definitely is not. As for Terry himself, yes, he prefers men.  
  
Fascinating.  
  
He almost started telling me about all the kinky things he and his boyfriends do, but I was suddenly struck with this huge desire to go to Potions. You know it's bad when you'd rather hang out with Snape.  
  
So here I am.  
  
Okay, so maybe at this point I'd rather listen to Terry.  
  
What to do... What to do...  
  
Potions lovely potions, la tee da!  
  
Sparkly green purply orange neon potions!  
  
.....I need something to do.......  
  
........  
  
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Renee of the land of Slytherin. She helped take care of all the annoying naughty children in the palace out of the goodness of her heart--and because she was the only one smart enough to do it. But one day Renee fell in love with an enemy of the realm, a knight of Gryffindor! _GASP!_ When her father found out, he ordered his screwed up deformed drug-addict lackey--Seperus Snave--to capture and lock the princess away in the dungeons! Whatever shall a princess do?! Of course, her handsome knight came to her rescue. He took her deep into the forest to keep her safe. There they fell into the grass and  
  
**11:17 am  
**  
That was a close one!  
  
Bloody hell, I can't even get Oliver Wood to kiss me in my own fairy tale!!!!!!! Curse that evil Seperus Snave! He's all going See it again-Mine-Read out loud-BLAH!  
  
Psh. Whatever.  
  
The man talks like my Potions notes sound!  
  
Or maybe I just have incredibly concise hearing.  
  
So if I do, does that mean my Potions notes are concisely concise? Ponder...  
  
**11:20 am  
**  
Things to do-  
a) Get a life.  
  
**8:45 pm  
**  
Things to do-  
a) Throw myself from the window of the highest room in the tallest tower.  
  
**8:50 pm  
**  
What kind of a name is _Rupert_?!  
  
**8:52 pm  
**  
I'm seventeen. Sure, there are some people out there who made grand wives, even mothers, at seventeen, but _ why me_?!  
  
Because you're the daughter of a pure wizarding family, and he is the son of one.  
  
But he's like... _thirty_!!  
  
You'll be thirty one day, too.  
  
Honestly, parents can be so stupid at times. In any case, I'm not marrying him. I don't care if I have to join a Convent. Of course, Father's all I'm not saying you're getting married, I just want to see what you think of him.  
  
So that I can marry him later, he just neglected to mention that part.  
  
Well, I know _exactly_ what I think of him.  
  
He looks like a reject Pinnochio after Gepetto figured out he didn't have enough wood left to make the rest of the body proportional to the size of the nose.  
  
Did I mention the receding hairline?  
  
I might as well marry Snape. He'd probably take me in. At least he looks better, and smells better, which should really give you an idea of how bad Rupert is.  
  
For crying out loud, his name is _Rupert_!!!  
  
**10:28 pm  
**  
Rupert's coming to meet me in two days for lunch.  
  
Commence Operation Repulse Repulsive Rupert.  



	3. 259: Hair Gel Hell

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
25 September  
**  
12:08 am  
**  
First thing's first. To repulse him, I must make myself repulsive. It's a dirty job, but it must be done. So! Here I am, staying up all night. This was Crys' idea. Since I don't want to make myself ugly for an extended period of time, she says the best things to do is stay up for a few days straight. You end up with big circles under your eyes, and, if you don't eat on top of that, you turn this sickly pale color. And your hands shake all the time. Kind of like you might keel over and die any minute.....  
  
Wait a second....  
  
Maybe that's not such a good idea after all.  
  
Oh well, two days. It couldn't _really _kill me.  
  
Could it?  
  
**6:11 am  
**  
Crys helped to keep me company for a while, but she dozed off a couple of hours ago. I decided to read a Muggle fashion magazine I picked up at the train station. I love to get Muggle magazines, they're _hilarious_!!  
  
That's what I can do! Dress in silly Muggle clothes! Better yet, Muggle _schoolgirl_ clothes! He'll never want to see me again! Ha!  
  
**8:06 am  
**  
Crys likes my Muggle outfit idea. She's got some friends who come from Muggle families in other Houses that she thinks she can bum a decent outfit from.  
  
I never knew Crys had... well... Mudbloods for friends. Okay, so that's not a nice word, but that's what _my_ parents always refer to them as. I personally don't see why it matters. Honestly, if pure wizarding families are turning out guys like Rupert, I'll marry a Muggle myself!  
  
Or Ollie will always do...  
  
**5:01 pm  
**  
I think... I'm going to die.  
  
I look at a person and their head turns into a delicious looking turkey leg. And I'm _so tired_! This being repulsive business is much more difficult than I imagined. And I'm not even half way there yet!  
  
Crys got me this crazy Muggle outfit from some Sixth Year Ravenclaw girl named Laura. It consists of this incredibly short black wrap skirt that you close up with this giant safety-pin. Yes, a giant safety-pin. How weird is that?! Then this shirt is made of some strange material with a snakeskin print on it, which would be fine in itself except that it's hot pink and black snakeskin. Did I mention the black leather boots which practically go up to my thighs? I personally wish there was more room in the foot part itself. Laura has little feet.  
  
Oh, and it's amazing what I have to do to top it all off.  
  
I have to make my beautiful black hair all weird looking by rubbing gel in it and making it all spiky, and then... and then...  
  
...oh, I can't bear to think about it...  
  
...I have to put a pink ribbon in my hair! A _pink ribbon_!!!  
  
I ask Crys' friend, Laura, Do you actually wear this stuff?!  
  
She nodded and explained that she lives in London. What she's giving me to wear is mild.  
  
So maybe I won't marry a Muggle. They sound like very strange people.  
  
**11:13 pm  
**  
My life is over as we know it.  
  
Crys thought it would be fun to test out this gel she borrowed from Laura, just so we would know how to do it on Saturday when Rupert's here. Laura neglected to tell us that it would turn my hair an oily purplish-blue color.  
  
...But now that I think about it, Crys rather seemed to be enjoying herself at my expense. She probably knew all along. I might just have to kill her first.  
  
Anyway, I had smuggled her into the special baths only meant for special people like me, so no one else was in there, especially at ten o'clock at night. When we realized what it had done to my hair (made it look like I had a spiky purple porcupine on my head), she grabbed some shampoo, a special kind that supposedly can strip anything out of your hair.  
  
We didn't read the fine-print until later.  
  
Do not mix with Muggle products.  
  
Who knew that mixing the two would have any strange side-effects?  
  
I'm sure Laura knew.  
  
So anyway, instead of a purple porcupine, I now appear to have a windblown black Persian cat curled up on my head.  
  
Perfect.  
  
I kicked Crys out because she wouldn't stop laughing. This was a bad idea because then I had to make it all the way back by myself. And of course the worst thing that could possibly happen _did_ happen.  
  
I cautiously poked my head out to be sure no one was around. The coast was clear, so I ventured out.  
  
But then I heard the door to the boys' bath open.  
  
What guy actually takes a refreshing bath 10:30 at night?!  
  
Oliver Wood.  
  
I tried to die on the spot, but I didn't have much success with it. I just managed to sputter and stagger around a bit. He probably thought the windblown Persian was sucking my brains out at first.  
  
Um... hello, Renee...  
  
Blink. Blink.  
  
Is... everything alright?  
  
Nod.  
  
He laughed. You're such a strange girl, I won't even ask.  
  
And he was gone. Just like that.  
  
I don't think I can ever show my face in public again, or at least my hair.  



	4. 269: Baby Venom

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
26 September  
  
**11:33 am  
**  
Needless to say, I've been more diligent than usual about wearing my hat. Luckily my hair's become a little more tame. A few more washes with gobs of special conditioner should almost make it normal again.  
  
Crys is going to get me into so much trouble! She really is getting into this idea of making me repulsive much more than I wish she would. But anyway, our next step is to get me a pet, a very repulsive pet, of course. Crys says a rat should do nicely. I ask her where are we going to find a rat that doesn't already belong to someone. Her answer is what worries me.  
  
The Forbidden Forest.  
  
Great, just perfect. I'm going to get myself killed by the time this is all over! Of course, it would almost be worth it not to have to see Rupert.  
  
So the plan is we're going to sneak out during lunch while everyone else is distracted. It'll be safer in the day anyway. Then again, if we get caught, we're dead as it is.  
  
Crys says she has some kind of potion that is supposed to attract rodents if all else fails. I just hope it's not going to attract every creature in the entire forest. I'd rather face Filch and his torturing devices he talks about.  
  
Great, time to go. I do hope we come out of this alive.  
**  
1:00 pm  
**  
Didn't even have to go into the Forbidden Forest _or_ use that crazy potion of Crys'! There was this _huge_ rat scurrying just inside of this pin Hagrid had built next to his hut. I figured I might as well do him a favor in the process of getting myself a pet and spare that pin from rat infestation! He'd be grateful if he only knew.  
  
So anyway, now I've got this huge rat, but he's pretty sweet. His fur's incredibly soft. But what's really weird is that his eyes never open, kind of like a newborn kitten. Well, I guess also like a newborn rat, which he obviously isn't because he's _huge_! I'll have to think of a name for him, but for now I've got Care of Magical Creatures. Yay!  
  
**3:28 pm  
**  
Figured out why the rat was in the pin.  
  
He was supposed to be there.  
  
I'm such a prat sometimes, I even amaze myself.  
  
So Hagrid explained to us that there had been three Garlats, but now there are only two because one got away. I nearly turned myself in right there. How was I supposed to know?!  
  
Oh, and it is just a baby. This worries me. He's going to be huge when he grows up. What am I saying when he grows up??? He's _already huge_!  
  
Hagrid also said that they develop other strange characteristics and habits as they mature, but he wouldn't go into much detail. All we did today was make their feeding potion. I brought some extra back to give my baby. He was happy to get it.  
  
I guess I should give him back to Hagrid though. So I might end up not having a repulsive pet for Rupert to scream at. At least the (big) little guy will be okay. I'm sure Hagrid will understand that I was only trying to help him out.  
  
Awwww! His eyes opened up! He's soooooo cute!  
  
OW!  
  
He bit me.  
  
Definitely going back to Hagrid. Now.  
  
**9:56 pm  
**  
Looks like I'm stuck with him after all. I took him back to Hagrid and explained that I thought it was a normal rat and wasn't supposed to be there because I didn't see the other two in there at the time. But when I tried to return him, Hagrid shook his head and said, He's seen you first. You're his mummy now.  
  
Talk about your weird feelings. Hagrid telling you that you're a mum definitely ranks pretty high up there.  
  
I asked him if he was going to tell on me, but he said no. Raising that little one will be punishment enough for you.  
  
Great.  
  
Oh well, he's still pretty cute, all curled up in a grey fluffy ball.  
  
OW!  
  
With teeth.  
  
I showed him to Crys and Laura during dinner (Laura gave me a different hair gel that she promises won't turn my hair funny colors or react strangely with anything) and asked them for input on a name.  
  
Laura suggested She said he's going to grow up to be as big as a R.O.U.S.--or Rodent of Unusual Size. I had no idea what she was talking about until she explained that it came from something called a movie she had seen when she was a kid. In this movie, The Princess Bride, R.O.U.S.'s attack the lovers in a swamp which spits fire.  
  
Honestly, Muggles come up with the _strangest_ things!  
  
I didn't want my baby to eat me though, so Killer was a no.  
  
Crys wanted to name him of all things. Then he bit her. I was rather proud of the little bloke for that!  
  
Laura still wanted to name him something because she said it would be more effective in scaring off Rupert. She makes me wonder why she's in Ravenclaw and not Slytherin.  
  
Anyway, after much debate, we came up with the name I think it suits him well enough, especially since he has these scary red eyes that look like they'd glow in the dark. At least it might keep Rupert off of me. Go get him, Venom!  
  
Heh heh heh....  



	5. 279: Mission Aborted

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
27 September  
  
**9:30 am  
**  
Finally. The day we've all been dreading.  
  
Well, all except for Crys and Laura, who are majorly looking forward to this... and no one else really cares...  
  
Finally. The day I've been dreading. It's here. I suppose I should escape from the comfort of the girls' room and go get ready.  
  
Must feed Venny first!  
  
Here's his potion... Here's his eyedropper....  
  
Where's Venny?!?!  
  
A bunch of Third Year girls just started screaming in the room below. Hm....  
  
**9:38 pm  
**  
It's okay. I went down there and pretended to be saving them from certain peril. They all gazed at me like I was some kind of goddess. Teehee.  
  
Now Venom's been happily fed. I found a nice black shoulder-strap pouch for him to ride in. He seems to be growing rather fond of me--or at least how I taste.  
  
Crys is dragging me out the door. Time to get ready for my date!  
  
**11:30 am  
**  
He's going to be here any minute... I'm _so_ not ready for this!  
  
Okay, so maybe I'm at least ready enough considering how awful my clothes and hair are. Laura added black fishnet hose, a spiked collar, and handcuffs to the ensemble.  
  
Did I mention the tongue ring?  
  
I think I'll kill her. She came up and was all like, Close your eyes, stick out your tongue, get a surprise!  
  
Why am I so stupid?!  
  
It doesn't hurt at least. She did it some special way using magic, it's not even swollen up at all. It's just that I'm talking like the guys Terry hangs out with. I have a   
  
Laura assured me that it adds to my repulsiveness even though you can't see it. I guess this is when I figured out how she's a Ravenclaw. There's _logic_ behind all the malicious things she does!  
  
Reasons for the Tongue Ring-  
a) It makes me sound stupid.  
b) Self-defense in case he starts kissing me.  
  
The very thought of Rupert sticking his tongue in my mouth is enough to make me hurl.  
  
Uh-oh, speak of the devil, I think Prince Charming has arrived. Let's get this freak show over with.  
  
**12:49 pm  
**  
Sitting at a nice restaurant in Hogsmeade. Hey, even though the date's not going so well, at least I got a field trip out of it!  
  
So far, so good. My outfit terrified him, so much so that I don't think he'd ever _dream_ of sticking his tongue in my mouth.  
  
He's so ugly! He smells gross, and he looks like he bathes in grease. Yuck! _Yuck! YUCK!  
  
_Venny scored the next point. He got out of his pouch, scurried across the table, and knocked a full bottle of red wine on Rupert's lap! Oh, how I love my little Venom! So that's where Rupert is, trying to get the stain to-  
  
-Oh, my God.  
  
This can't be happening.  
  
Why does _he_ have to be here while I'm looking, acting, and talking like _this_?!  
  
I hate my life.  
  
Oliver and Terry just came in. What are the odds of that?! Terry has some... guy... on his arm, and Ollie has some anorexic slut.  
  
Ahem.  
  
Okay, so she's probably not an anorexic slut... Ollie's not like that....  
  
They can stop kissing _any day now!!!  
_  
Not Ollie and the girl, Terry and the guy. In fact, Ollie doesn't seem too interested in her. She's _much_ more interested in him. What a relief!  
  
What am I saying?! If he looks up and sees me here... like this... with Rupert...  
  
...  
  
Here comes Rupert. Alright, here goes something...  
  
**5:39 pm  
**  
Well... that was interesting...  
  
At least I made it out alive. It took some quick thinking, but I did it!  
  
When Rupert came back, I grabbed his hands and said, Oh, my Darling, must we stay here any longer? Wouldn't you rather go somewhere that we can be... alone...? Well, the volcanic eruption that seemed to be bubbling up on his face previously was quickly replaced by this look of ecstasy I will be having nightmares about for the rest of my life.  
  
So we left, did a little bit of snogging in a nearby park (just let me die!!!!), and then I came home. Only real problem is now we've got another date planned.  
  
**10:17 pm  
**  
Life isn't fair.  
  
Here I am, snogging with Rupert for the sole purpose of escaping Ollie's or Terry's attention, which results in the arrangement of another date, yet _this_ still happened:  
  
Ollie: Hey, was that you're uncle or someone who took you out to lunch at Hogsmeade today?  
Me: (speechless)  
Ollie: I was going to say hello, but you left in such a hurry and I didn't get a chance.  
Me: Good.  
Ollie: Good what?  
Me: Good-bye.  
  
I don't even _want_ to know his thoughts on the outfit....


	6. 110: Quidditch Practice

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
1 October  
  
**12:08 pm  
**  
I'm... so sore...  
  
Damn Quidditch practice...  
  
First one. I forgot from last year and the year before how much work it takes to be a Chaser. I mean, you don't get sore from being a Keeper or a Seeker. Not during practice anyway, only during games when bludgers are flying hungrily towards your head going like possessed demons.  
  
I guess being a Chaser isn't so bad, especially when compared to my Keeper skills. I was the Keeper my Second through my Fourth Year. Wasn't very good. At all. I got to stand in for Terrence some during my Fourth Year as Seeker though! He decided that being able to graduate from Hogwarts was more important than Quidditch. He never did let me play Gryffindor though. He liked trying to beat out Harry Potter who was a First Year then. Hmph. I could have beat a stupid little First Year, even if he _was_ Harry Potter!  
  
But now I'm a Chaser. They found a better Keeper finally, which probably wasn't too difficult, really. I was a better Seeker than Chaser, and I probably would have been the Seeker after Terrence if that damn Malfoy hadn't _bought_ his bloody way onto the team. I hate him!!!  
  
Why am I ranting about Quidditch? I'm too sore to rant...  
  
I'm so glad Ollie's still staying for now! He's going to watch some of the practices for a while and help Madame Hooch with the First Years.  
  
He and Terry were both at our practice this morning. They also both agreed that I made a much better Chaser than Keeper.  
  
Neither have mentioned seeing me at the restaurant again. I do hope it is forgotten.  
**  
7:31 pm  
**  
Yay! I love love love life!  
  
We're going to have a Halloween Dance and we get to wear _costumes_!!!!!!!!  
  
This is going to be great!  
  
Oh bloody hell, now I have to find a date....  
  
I hate hate hate life.  
  
**10:47 pm  
**  
Crys and I are sneaking into Laura's room in Ravenclaw Tower around midnight, teehee. Laura claims she managed to make sure her roommates won't know anything about it, whatever that means. We're going to plan for the costume party.  
  
I hope we don't discuss dates.  
  
I ought to just find a huge snake and wear that. At least I'd find someone to dance with me. There's enough perverts in Slytherin alone.  
  
  
**10:51 pm  
**  
I wonder if Ollie would go with me...?  
  
**10:53 pm  
**  
I doubt it.  
  
**10:54 pm  
**  
God, I hope Terry doesn't show up with some guy.....  
  
**11:21 pm  
**  
What if Rupert finds out?! He'll insist on coming with me!  
He can't find out... or I'll jump in the lake, drink poison, feed myself to Venom, _anything_!  
  
**11:45 pm**  
  
It's about time to head out! I wonder what Laura has planned for us. I'm not sure I should trust her... but whatever. I've got nothing better to do except die.  
  
Ohmigosh!  
  
There was this huge thunk and my bed just fell over kinda lopsided, what the hell...?  
  
Oh, it's just Venom. He's eating my bed. Whatever.  
  
((I know the real Halloween party in the 4th book wasn't really a costume party, but just go with it. It'll be more fun.))


	7. 210: Moulin Rouge!

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
2 October  
  
**12:15 am  
**  
Laura should be a Slytherin. She put her roommates to sleep with a sleeping charm. They won't wake up for another eight hours or so.  
  
Apparently we're going to watch a movie. I've never seen a movie before, or even a television. Laura brought one which she manages to magik into action and can even get a few channels every now and then on it. She says it's easier to just watch movies though. We're about to watch something called _Moulin Rouge_. She says it'll give us costume ideas. I don't know if I should start worrying yet.  
  
**3:13 am  
  
** I love that movie!! Ewan McGregor is adorable, especially that little clef in his chin! Sigh! I think he may even be competition for Oliver. Too bad Ewan can't go to the dance with me.  
  
What's incredibly scary is that the Duke looks _just_ like Rupert!!!! Just let me die! I'll start coughing up blood _now_ if it will speed up the process any! He even _talks_ like him! I hope Rupert's not such a boner-boy though...  
  
I think for the dance I'll dress up like Satine in her Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend thing. I love the top hat! Crys wants to be a Can-Can Girl. Then there's Laura... She wants the Hindi costume Satine wears during the beginning of the play, but she wants to make it entirely pink and black. She's a strange one.  
  
I still need a date. You'd think with a costume like that it'd be easy. Hopefully something will come along. If all else fails I'll force Terry to go with me. It could be entertaining.  
  
**6:12 am  
  
** We're supposedly leaving soon. Laura's roommates could wake up and I've got before-class Quidditch practice anyway. At times like this I wish I didn't play Quidditch, I'm going to be rather pathetic.  
  
Maybe Ollie will be there, and maybe I can tactfully ask him to the dance.  
  
**7:01 am  
**  
There he is.  
  
Screw tact, here we go.  
  
**7:08 am  
**  
There's a reason I wasn't sorted into Gryffindor. I have no courage, and I talk like a babbling guppy.  
  
**9:10 am  
**  
You know it's bad when a gay guy tries to talk to you about your relationship problems--or lack thereof.  
  
Terry came to me after practice and was like, You like him a lot and you want to go to the dance with him, don't you. Why can he read my mind?! That _bothers_ me!  
  
Of course I can't lie so I told him the truth. Yes, I know, I'm some kind of pathetic Slytherin who can't even lie. Well... I can lie about _some_ things, like Who put that naughty magazine in the _Books for Beginners_ section of the library?! -- I have _no_ idea, Professor! but this is different. I can't lie to another Slytherin, especially when it's Terry and he can read my mind anyway.  
  
Then he said, I guess you could try, but I kind of think he's going to ask some Ravenclaw girl.  
  
Some Ravenclaw girl?!?!?!  
  
Honestly, I'm better than _any_ Ravenclaw girl! Even if I am a pathetic Slytherin.  
  
Whatever, I guess I'll figure something out. I'd better put this away for now though before Professor McGonagall notices. She can be even scarier than Snape... okay, maybe that's an exaggeration.  
  
**12:30 pm  
  
** Mmm, well-deserved yummy food!  
  
But why am I sitting here all by myself again? Crys was going to go talk to someone (a potential date I'm sure). I could go sit with Laura...  
  
....except I might kill her.  
  
Why is Oliver Wood sitting next to her at the Ravencl-~--~~#@#%!$%@#!%  
  
Oh no.  
  
Some Ravenclaw girl.  
  
This can't be happening.  
  
Definitely not hungry anymore.  
  
Where's that knife...?  
  
**10:28 pm  
**  
I talked to Crys about seeing Oliver talking to Laura. She just shrugged and was all, Honestly, Renee, you act like you like him or something.  
  
I have no friends except for my Little Black Book! Crys calls herself my best friend, and she doesn't even know how Oliver-Obsessed I am!  
  
I guess that means I've kept it a very good secret...  
  
I don't think I can keep it a secret much longer.  
  
I can't sleep.  
  
I feel sick.  
  
Maybe I'll skip tomorrow.  
  
But Potions is tomorrow.  
  
.....................................  
  
Maybe I'll skip tomorrow.  
  
((Okay, so technically _Moulin Rouge_ wouldn't have existed during HP's 4th Year, but once again, just go with it. And GUESS WHAT! I really do have a little black book to write Renee's Diary in now, teehee! I got it today, and I'm happy... and pathetic... easy to please...? ))


	8. 310: Die, Laura, DIE!

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
3 October  
  
**12:01 am  
**  
I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her.   
  
...  
  
Okay, this is obviously not working. I still am going to kill her. I guess it just proves that when teachers make you write I will not talk in class two-hundred-seventeen times it really does nothing except make you talk more.  
  
**3:15 am  
  
** I can't sleep. I _never_ have trouble sleeping, so why now?  
  
One word.  
  
Laura.  
  
**5:16 am  
  
** I love Venom. He came and snuggled against my shoulder and stuck his litte-big wet nose in my ear. Honestly, it's like owning a small dog. But at least I know someone loves me!  
  
OUCH!  
  
Or maybe he was just hungry and my ear looked yummy.  
  
**6:08 am  
  
** Screw it. I'd be getting up in an hour or two anyway.  
  
Maybe I should just talk to Laura. Maybe it's really nothing. Maybe it's all in my head. I mean, really, I've got a lot of strange things in here.  
  
I should think of something else, like my date with Rupert tomorrow...  
  
On second thought, homicide is much more entertaining.  
  
Except maybe I can get Rupert to take me to Hogsmeade to gather the materials for my Sparkling Diamond costume! Free trip out of this hellhole anyway, who would complain?  
  
**8:01 am  
  
** Great, now I have to pick up a bunch of stuff for Crys too. She'd better make it worth my while and do what she promised.  
  
She's approaching the Ravenclaw table...  
  
She's sitting down next to Enemy #1...  
  
She's talking with Enemy #1...  
  
She's laughing with Enemy #1...  
  
She's... She's...  
  
She completely _ignoring_ me!  
  
I hate you all!!!  
  
**12:48 pm  
  
** Okay, so maybe I overreacted earlier. It can be forgiven. Honestly, how often do _I_ actually _overreact_?!  
  
Crys did her job, but that doesn't mean I have to like her information.  
  
Apparently, Oliver _has_ asked Laura to go with him, but not just with him, go _out_ with him.  
  
What's so special about her?! What does she have that I don't? She's not even on the Quidditch team!  
  
I'm so depressed....  
  
The only news is that Laura told him I'll think about it and not Hell yeah! like any normal girl would. Imagine, getting to tell Oliver Wood I'll think about it. I think I would melt into a little happy puddle on the spot!  
  
What does she have that's so special that she's waiting for?  
  
**9:31 pm  
  
** No more updates on the Oliver/Laura situation. I know this is an early bedtime for me, but considering I had no sleep last night and I have to get up early for Quidditch practice and then go on a date, it's quite necessary.  



	9. 410: Die, Malfoy, DIE!

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
4 October  
  
**6:13 am  
**  
Quidditch is almost not worth this torment!! Honestly! I'm so tired... I hate getting up early, even if it _is_ for Quidditch.  
  
Oh well, at least I know everything I'll need for my costume when I have my date later. I hope Rupert will buy the whole it's for a school play lie.  
  
I doubt it. Really, how often does Hogwarts put on a school play? We should. It would make this place a lot less boring.  
  
Alright, it's time to go. I guess I'll have to think of a better lie later.  
  
**10:49 am  
  
** It looks like there's not going to be any date after all, and my ass is killing me.  
  
That's it. Malfoy dies. I am so shoving a broomstick up his ass next time I see him. That would make me feel _much_ better.  
  
No it wouldn't. He'd enjoy it too much.  
  
So here I am, minding my own business with the other Chasers, tossing the Quaffle back and forth, when HE nabs a stick off a Beater and suddenly says, Here, Renee! Catch! and a possessed Bludger comes blalumming towards me. And I fall on my ass. In front of everyone. Yes, including Ollie and Terry.  
  
I think Malfoy's trying to kill me off so he can take over. Malfoys are malicious that way.  
  
Hm... _Mal_foy. _Mal_icious. Do we see a connection?  
  
UGH! What am I going to do about my costume?! And I'm sure Rupert will still show up to have lunch with me since I'm injured. He'll probably take it as an opportunity to explain to me how Quidditch is not meant to be played by classy ladies.  
  
Guess what.  
  
I'm no classy lady.  
  
Yay, I hear guest-like peoples! Mmm, they'd better have chocolate...  
  
**2:31 pm  
  
** (Insert pathetic whine of ultimate misery here)  
  
I HATE HER!!!!!  
  
There's so much hate in this Little Black Book. I should be more careful or I may turn into a bitter old woman with no one to love her.  
  
Oh well.  
  
I HATE HER!!!!!  
  
Ollie came in to visit me (he brought me a candy basket and flowers to make me feel better!), and said he was really sorry about what happened. Then he asked me how long I had to stay there, and I told him two nights, and he hugged me lightly and unwrapped a chocolate frog for me. Now that I think about it, I think he stole the card, but what do I care! He hand-fed me a frog! How romantic!  
  
But then he had to go and mention_ her_. He said, I'm going into Hogsmeade today with Laura. Do you want us to pick anything up for you?  
  
I hated the casual way he said us' in reference to him and Laura.  
  
I gave him the list to give to Laura. I guess she still thinks we're friends.  
  
What am I saying? No one even knew how much I liked Oliver, not even Crys, my best friend. So why should I expect Laura to lay off of him when she didn't even know? Besides, I shouldn't let a boy come between me and my girlies, even if he _is_ Oliver Wood.  
  
But he's Oliver Wood...  
  
I hate her.  
  
**7:29 pm  
  
** Crys and Laura came to eat dinner with me. Laura showed me the things she found. They really are rather perfect.  
  
I... asked her casually about Oliver. She said that she really did like him and she might even go to the dance with him, but she'd never officially go out with him because it would give the impression that she was a completely codependent girl with no mind of her own. She has some strange logic, that one. She said it was too much of a popularity thing to like Oliver Wood and that she would be perceived by others to be a brainless sex-shadow of the god among sports figures.  
  
Gee, thanks.  
  
But she made up for the insults when she promised to make my costume for me since I was going to miss out on tomorrow and also have tons of Quidditch practice every weekend.  
  
Best of all, she won't go out with Ollie.  
  
But she will go to the dance with him...  
  
Bloody hell, I need a date.


	10. 510: Ow

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
5 October  
  
**9:32 am  
**  
Madame Pomfrey won't let me have as many painkillers as yesterday.  
  
I hate not being able to move, and that's all I have to say today because it hurts too much to write.   
  
Oh, and I _HATE_ Draco Malfoy.  
  
((I know it's a shorty, but I've already got the next one ready to post tomorrow!  
Thanks to the person who pointed out that Oliver actually signed with Puddlemere United, not the Magpies. To be honest, I don't remember reading anything about Ollie signing with anyone, but I only read each book once and I don't sleep with them on a regular basis. But thanks! And it is fixed if you want to check it out in Entry #1))


	11. 610: The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Lea...

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
6 October  
  
**10:12 am  
**  
Madame Pomfrey said that it would probably be best if I stayed here one more day, but I can probably go back to Slytherin Tower tonight and go to classes tomorrow.  
  
Poor Snapey. I'm sure he's immensely missing my presence right now.  
  
Heh heh.  
  
Of course I would probably be fine, I mean I feel a million times better. But we _certainly_ wouldn't want to rush anything.  
  
Though one can only take so much of listening to the _Moulin Rouge_ soundtracks that said one's said friend let one borrow the day before, and this place is getting increasingly more boring. There must be something around here to entertain myself with.  
  
I know! I'll see how many times today I can insert words from _Moulin Rouge_ music into my diary entries. That'll liven things up.  
  
It's so BORING!!!  
  
_One day I'll fly away... Leave all this to yesterday...  
_  
Teehee.  
  
Oh? What is that I hear? Visitors?!  
  
_Come what may!!!!  
_  
Hel-lo! How much luckier could said one be? Do my eyes deceive me, or is it really Oliver Wood?  
  
Oh yeah.  
  
_How wonderful life is now you're in the world.  
_  
_I will love you till my dying day.  
  
I-ee-I will always love you!  
  
Love is like oxygen, love is a many splendoured thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!  
  
I was made for lovin' you, Baby, you were made for lovin' me!  
  
We should be lovers, and that's a fact!  
  
_A little excessive? I think not.  
  
**12 Noon  
**  
Mme. Pomfrey's going to try to force-feed me, I'm sure of it, but I'm _so_ not hungry. would be a better word. Yes. I would rather sit here and wallow in my bed of misery than eat. So there!!!  
  
Mm, that smells yummy.  
  
No! I _will_ be strong!  
  
I'll just let it sit there and smell good. It will add to my misery. All is as it should be.  
  
Oliver came in earlier (with more flowers and chocolate, I might add!) and had a with me because Laura and I are such good friends.  
  
And then he went on and on about how much he really likes Laura, and how he really wished she could see beyond the whole professional Quidditch player thing and give him a chance.  
  
And that's when he asked me:  
You don't think you could put a few good words in for me, do you?  
  
_Why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day when dreaming ends?  
_  
I must have turned pale, or maybe a shade of green, because he immediately asked, You alright there, Renée? You don't look so good.  
  
_Inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on.  
_  
I smiled. I... just feel a little sick. It might be best if you left for now.  
  
He nodded. Sure. I'll be back later to see you though, okay? He turned to go, but   
snapped back. Oh, and if you _do_ see Laura, you'll talk to her for me...?  
  
Of course.  
  
_ The French are glad to die for love...  
_  
Mais oui, misère!   
  
**12:15 pm  
**  
But misery loves company, and I know that yummy smelling chicken would be quite miserable if I ate it.  
  
**1:00 pm  
**  
He hasn't come back to visit yet.  
  
**3:00 pm  
**  
Laura came by.  
  
_It's the Year of the Scavenger, Season of the Bitch....  
_  
I said, Oliver came to see me, isn't he such a nice guy?  
  
There. I did it. I put forth the miserable effort.  
  
**4:00 pm  
**  
Still no Ollie.  
  
**5:00 pm  
**  
Nothing from Oliver, and Mme. Pomfrey's kicking me out, how sad is that?  
  
**8:30 pm  
**  
Crys was talking to me about how great my costume's looking, but I was too busy thinking about Oliver to listen. I swear, one of those painkillers had some serious depressant in it.  
  
**9:46 pm**  
I was told to go to bed early, so here we go.  
  
**10:15 pm  
**  
Ollie, get out of my head!  
  
**10:17 pm  
  
** No, you can stay.  
  
**11:28 pm  
  
** I can't keep these kind of nights up! I've _got_ to talk to someone about this...  
  
But who could I talk to that wouldn't laugh at me?  
  
No one, so what's the point?  
  
**11:59 pm  
  
** _Why does my heart cry feelings I can't fight?_


	12. 1010: Positions, teehee

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
10 October  
  
**7:51 am  
  
** I've been neglecting my Little Black Book! I'm such an evil person!  
  
Good news and bad news, and of course the bad news has to go first.  
  
Laura's going to the Halloween party will Ollie. It's not like I actually stood a chance though, so I won't complain. Especially considering the good news!  
  
Laura finished my costume and it looks _perfect_! So that's why I can't be mad at her anymore, as much as I may try. It really does look just like the one Satine wears, from the fishnet hose to the cute top hat!  
  
I love this hat...  
  
I think I'll wear this to classes instead of my pointed one. I look cuter in it for one thing, and if the teachers ask I'll just say that I must have picked up the wrong one!  
  
**9:13 am  
**   
Things to Do:  
-Get a new top hat--Snape took the other.  
  
**11:41 am  
  
** Come on!!! That man has some kind of sorry life and no sense of humor if he's taking up top hats! I'll bet he just did it because he wants to wear it.  
  
Ew. Definitely have to get a new one. I could never wear _that_ one again if it's been on _his_ head. Greasy hair...  
  
I think I'm going to hurl....  
  
You know, he'd probably clean up a bit more if he had a girlfriend, and he'd probably clean up nicely. I mean, if it weren't for all the greasiness he'd almost be sexy. Especially with that low voice...  
  
Wow, I seriously need to stop fantasizing about my Potions Master. That's disgusting.  
  
And suddenly lunch doesn't sound nearly so good.  
  
Mmm, Ollie.  
  
Mmm, chicken.  
  
**4:52 pm  
  
** I don't know why we're having emergency Quidditch practices! It's not like the game's are coming up just yet, and we're really good. Honestly, we're Slytherin!  
  
You know, that's kind of an oxymoron.  
  
Honestly, we're Slytherin!  
  
Heh. Heh heh.  
  
**9:31 pm  
  
** I think I know why they called a practice. Puddlemere United sent a recruiter along with Ollie and Terry.  
  
I don't know what else she'd be. I mean, I saw Ollie standing there with this girl who looked about thirty, so I figured she wasn't a threat, but I went into jealousy spazz mode anyway and acted like a freak. But I was a funny freak. It kinda went something like this:  
  
Ollie: Hi, Renee! I'd like you to meet my friend, Sharron.  
  
Sharron: (talks to me like I'm two) Hello, Renee! What position do you play?  
  
Me: I'm a Chaser right now, and I do quite a bit of chasing, so you'd better watch out and keep your man here on a tight leash.  
  
Sharron: I... see.... Chaser right now? What other positions have you been?  
  
Ollie: Oh, Renee's been in lots of positions! She's very good at all of them!  
  
Me: (sniggering) Yes, Ollie knows all about my positions.... (heeheeheeeeeeee)  
  
Ollie & Sharron: (blank stare)  
  
Ollie: Except she wasn't the best Keeper...  
  
Me: True. I can hardly resist the balls trying to fly through my hoop.... (HAHAHA!!!!)  
  
Ollie & Sharron: (blank stare)  
  
Ollie: But she really is an amazing Seeker, Shar, you'll have to see her at that later.  
  
Me: Black-haired belle, seeking Scottish sex-god....  
  
Ollie: Renee, _what_ are you talking about?!  
  
Terry: (appears out of nowhere and drags Ollie to the side) She's being sexual, Oliver. How many times do I have to explain these things to you?  
  
Ollie: ............................  
  
Me: Heeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!  
  
Sharron: (clueless) Have a nice day!  
  
So that was all very interesting, though it's really sad that Terry has to interpret suggestive dialogue for Ollie. I mean, really, he doesn't even _like _women!  
  
Oh Oliver! All the things I could teach you.....


	13. 1310: Freakish Terry

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
13 October  
  
**9:21 am  
**  
I'm so confused and scared but happy all at once! Terry confuses/scares/happies me. I can never speak to him again though... except for on Halloween... okay, we'll still talk even though he's a freak, and Venom needs to stop chewing on the corners of my book.  
  
Oliver wasn't at practice this morning, but Terry was there, all alone. I felt kind of sorry for him so I went to go have a chat:  
  
Me: Hey, Ter, what's up?  
  
Ter: Oliver's sleeping in, probably drunk or something, I don't know, but he's alright.  
  
Me: (signature stare of confusion)  
  
Ter: That's what you were really wanting to know, right? Where's Oliver?  
  
Me: No, actually. I was really trying to figure out what's wrong with you.  
  
Pause dialogue here. Terry is so hot, _and_ really nice--a rare combination. It truly is a waste that he's gay. It's really not fair. Why do all the perfectly cute and nice guys have to be gay?!  
  
Except Oliver's not gay... last I checked... unless Laura turned him and I wouldn't put it past her.  
  
But he's not nice, so never mind. He's an insensitive jerk whom I adore. That, or he's just _clueless_!  
  
But honestly, Terry, yes, good stuff.  
  
Unpause.  
  
Ter: (blink) I don't think you stayed in the Hospital Wing long enough... You're being nice to me and not trying to get to Oliver in the process.  
  
Me: Oh, come on! You act like I'm never nice to you!  
  
Ter: (shrug)  
  
Me: (sigh) Okay, whatever, so you still didn't answer the question. What's up?  
  
Ter: (smirks freakishly) I asked someone to go to the Halloween party with me.  
  
Me: (wide-eyed stare) Don't tell me... a guy?  
  
Ter: (nods)  
  
Me: Like... a schoolboy...?  
  
Ter: (nods)  
  
Me: And you got rejected.  
  
Ter: Don't rub it in.  
  
Me: Don't feel so bad! It's not your fault that he doesn't swing that way!  
  
Ter: (freakisher smirk) Oh, he does. He just doesn't know it yet.  
  
Me: (doesn't want to be hearing this) Who is he?  
  
Ter: A Sixth Year Ravenclaw with the most beautiful long black hair you could ever imagine.  
  
Pause What's with the Ravenclaws?!?! Unpause.  
  
Me: Oh. Daniel. Yes, you're right. He just doesn't know it yet.  
  
Ter: He won't go with me, but I'm sure he'll be there. I can't go alone though, since I don't even go to this school anymore. I'd have to have a student as a date... (stops, stares at me, smirks the freakishest) So... Renee.... you got a date yet...?  
  
Me: That's _so_ not fair, Ter! (stops, looks at Terry, imagines the jealous look on Ollie's face when he sees me walking in on the arm of this handsome hunk of gay man) But if you insist.  
  
Ter: Renee, you're the best!  
  
Me: But only on one condition.  
  
Ter: (blinks) And that is...?  
  
Me: I get to pick your costume.  
  
~The End  
  
Eventually he agreed to it, but now I have to think of something for him to wear. Life's so difficult. But hey, let's look on the bright side, I've got a really sexy date!  
  
**1:28 pm  
  
** If I have to sit through anymore of these damn history lessons with Prof. Binns, I'll scream. Really, how hard is it to figure out that you're dead and that nobody cares?! I mean, it's just not _normal_ for a person to get up one morning and accidentally forget to bring their body along. And he's _so boring!_ His voice drones on and on and on and on....  
  
Okay, I really should say nice things about people. I'm going to be nice from now on... okay, maybe I'll just start with today. In fact, I won't write anything in here that's rude for the rest of the day.  
  
.....................  
  
Um, I'll think of something nice to say later.  
  
**4:25 pm  
  
** I've got a lot to say, but I promised I wouldn't.  
  
**6:47 pm  
  
** No comment.  
  
**8:45 pm  
  
** Crys...! Laura...! Oliver...! Terry...! BLAH!!!!  
  
**11:41 pm  
  
** Note to self: Never promise to be nice again.  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join! It will save you the trouble of having to check all the time!))


	14. 1410: What's so funny? I don't get it!

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
14 October  
  
**6:38 am  
  
** I hate it when I'm up early for no reason whatsoever. I mean, besides the horrible nightmare I was having, there's really no point.  
  
I do hope I never again have a dream in which Snape is reciting a love sonnet to me dressed as a can-can dancer. I could really stand for that not becoming a recurring dream. Why can't I have _normal_ dreams, like going to class in the nuddy-pants?  
  
I can't even get up for Quidditch practice because Gryffindor's using the field this morning.  
  
Damn Gryffindor.  
  
Well, they probably need the practice more than we do. They _are_ Gryffindor, after all.  
  
That's what I can do! I'll go sit in on their practice and pick up battle strategies, teehee!  
  
Besides, Ollie will probably be there!  
  
**8:15 am  
  
** That was a waste. The most I really got to do was sing my Fred song to... well... Fred. He hates it when I sing the Fred song, and tries to come after me with blunt objects.  
  
You know, the Fred song:  
  
Special Fred,  
His mummy dropped him on his head...  
  
George thinks it's funny, then Fred gets all bitter and asks why I don't sing a George song, and I say it's because, I mean, honestly, _what_ rhymes with   
  
Special George,  
On Bertie Bott's Beans does he gorge...  
  
Precisely. Not nearly as cute as the Fred song.  
  
But you know that when you _talk_ to the Weasley twins, the Gryffindor Quidditch chicks get all bitchy and think you're _flirting_ with them (as if, they're the _Weasley_ twins!), and come over and are all like, Leave, you Slytherin slime!--or something to that effect.  
  
Honestly, where is the love???  
  
I can tell you one thing, the love definitely wasn't on that Quidditch field this morning. In fact, I haven't seen the love at all for two days!  
  
Where _is_ Ollie, anyway?  
  
**12:31 pm  
  
** I said something about how I'm French just now during lunch with Crys and Laura, but Laura said just because I have a French name doesn't make me French, and I said I was because I could speak it, and she said to prove it by not speaking english the rest of the day.  
  
Well. Bloody _merde_.  
  
I'm trying to pretend like I'm mad at her so she won't suspect me of not knowing any French... which I don't.  
  
Hmm... There's got to be _something_ that I know...  
  
Oh! I've got one! That phrase off of Moulin Rouge, in _Lady Marmalade..._ What is it? _Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?_ Close enough, I'll say that to her!  
  
Wow, I've never seen her laugh so hard. I wonder what's so funny?  
  
Crys just called me a lezzer! That was _completely_ uncalled for!  
  
Laura!! STOP LAUGHING!!!  
  
**7:31 pm  
  
** Here I am, it's after dinner, and I'm trying to decide between two costumes for Terry...  
  
Zidler or Christian?  
  
While it would be very amusing to see Terry dressed up like Zidler, he would be _far_ too sexy in a top hat and coattails for me to pass that up. After all, I _will_ be Satine, and I _so _look the part...  
  
Except for the black hair...  
  
And the hazel eyes...  
  
And I'm bigger in the bouncy bubbly breasty area....  
  
I don't care! I still look the part! So _there!  
_  
Now to find a suit for him. Nah, he can get it himself. He's a big boy.  
  
Besides. He's rich.  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join! It will save you the trouble of having to check all the time!))


	15. 1710: Hairball

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
((Hey everybody! My friend made a cute pic of Renee and the gang, so please go check it out:  
http://sailorxenex.diaryland.com/images/reneechibi.jpg  
  
She also has a gallery here:  
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/c/a/carolg/carolg.html  
  
Okay, I'll let you read now. And thank you, MY FRIEND! ^_^ ))  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
17 October  
  
**6:21 am  
  
** I'm about to leave for Quidditch practice, but I'm a little worried about Venom. I think he must have eaten something that didn't quite agree with him, though what that might be I have no idea. He's Venom. He eats anything and everything.  
  
Did I mention that he is now the size of a house cat? Yes, isn't that scary? My rodent, the size of a fat, pampered house cat. How sad it that.  
  
I'll wake Crys up and make her watch my Venny Baby while I'm gone...  
  
...I swear, the castle could collapse around her and she'd sleep right through it.  
  
_Wake up!!!  
_  
OW!  
  
She just threw her Arithmancy book at me, and I don't think I need to explain how much that hurt. That's a big book. At least she's awake now...  
  
What?! It is humanly impossible to go back to sleep that fast! Unless she can throw things in her sleep with perfect aim... We could have some fun with talents such as these.  
  
I wonder if people like Crys could kill someone in their sleep? I'm not sure I want to room with her anymore.... I'll stick her in with Laura. Heh.  
  
My poor Venom! He just spit up a hairball the size of a Snitch, and that's just the _hair_ part!  
  
Oh well. He was sitting on Crys' bed at the time.  
  
She's moving... and she's reaching for her history book...  
  
Well, now! Lovely morning! Off to Quidditch practice n-OW!  
  
**8:03 am  
  
** Two good things happened during practice this morning.  
  
First of all, Terry was there with Oliver (I still don't know where he disappeared off to for so long) and said that he had his costume ready. Ollie asked what it was, but I told him he'd have to wait and see. He seemed really disappointed... okay, so maybe he didn't care, but I can pretend like he obsesses over every little detail of my life if it makes me happy.  
  
Terry did ask me later though if he could wear _my_ costume and I could be Christian. He said he'd wax his legs for the fishnet hose and everything. He looked so eager, I felt sorry for him.  
  
But of course I told him that there's no way in hell I'm going to be seen in public with a transvestite...  
  
Then he told me we have to go see this movie called _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ sometime. I don't know where he gets these ideas! Why would a horror flick have transvestites? I mean, sure, they're kinda scary, but _honestly_!  
  
And on to the second good thing...  
  
...............................  
  
Mind has wandered.  
  
What was I saying?  
  
Oh yes! Malfoy! Good stuff!  
  
Woah, how often do those two ideas go together, especially in _this_ little black book?  
  
Anyway, it's like the middle of October, right? Always cloudy and drizzly and there's hardly any sun, right?  
  
Well Malfoy comes rushing into practice at like 7:05 and I hear him mumble something about not having time to put on sunscreen (who needs sunscreen in October?!). We all thought he was being overly-concerned, but by the end of practice he was like _bright red!!_ No kidding! It was bloody brilliant!  
  
When we were all going back in he was in front of me and I sniffed really loudly and said, Something smells like it's burning.... Roasted Draco, anyone?  
  
He whirled around and was all, I have fair skin, so shut up!  
  
I could have gotten all Head Girl-ish with him, but he's not worth the extra effort. It was great as it was. Really made my morning until I had to come here to Potions and remember bad dreams. Better put this away now.  
  
**9:41 pm  
  
** Heh heh. Crys is the only one without a date. Sure, mine's gay, and he's only coming with me to try to seduce another young man into happy gaieties, but that's completely beside the point. _I've_ got a _hot date_!!  
  
I could be nice and try to hook her up, especially since Venom hurled in her bed this morning.  
  
But I _did_ offer to let her stay in my bed, but she went all off on the stuff again. She says it's even worse that I'm going with a gay guy, but I told her it's because I wanted Ollie, and then she called me delusional.  
  
Honestly, I don't see what's so delusional about that...  
  
**11:45 pm  
  
** She gave up. I guess when she discovered that I was delusional and not lesbian it was okay to sleep in the same bed as me.  
  
**11:52 pm  
  
** Have been pushed onto the floor with no covers. Considering skinning Venom for his lovel warm coat. Or just using him as a pillow.  
  
**11:57 pm  
  
** After Venom tried to eat my head, I have moved under my bed for protection. He's glaring at me with his beady red eyes. Kinda creepy. Good night now.  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join!))


	16. 1810: So, what's eating you?

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
October 18  
  
**11:12 am  
  
** Saturdays are wonderful things, yes? Freedom from all responsibilities... Like tormenting potions masters. Best of all, I can sleep in instead of having to---  
  
**1:21 pm  
  
** Sorry it took so long for me to come back and continue writing. You see, I was just sitting there minding my own business when Venom threw himself at my head again and latched on. I wasn't sure what he was trying to get out of that, but then he started eating me! Yes, _eating_ me!!!!  
  
I paralyzed him with that lovely spell of course, then went straight to Hagrid for a brief lesson in Garlats. He explained to me that once a Garlat reaches puberty, it eats its mother's head.  
  
Wow, and human parents complain about their teenagers....  
  
So anyway, Hagrid put together a potion for me that he said should calm him down and keep him from eating me in my sleep. I do hope it works, but I guess I'll find out if it doesn't. It'll be pretty obvious, after all.  
  
**2:15 am  
  
** As if this day couldn't get any worse! First Venom wants to eat me, and now Rupert does!  
  
Yes, Rupert. He just showed up out of nowhere, I guess, and wants me to come down and go somewhere with him, though he prefers that I dress appropriately this time.  
  
Where _did_ I put that tongue ring?  
  
**5:15 am  
  
** I never cease to be amazed by Terry.  
  
Rupert and I were coming back from a most upsetting date (he would _not_ stay off of me!), and here comes Crys in her oblivious blonde stupor and says, I've got a date to the Halloween party now, too!  
  
Of course, under different circumstances, this would have made me relatively happy, but under _these_ it was most distressing.  
  
Immediately Rupert turns to me and says, There's a Halloween party? Why haven't I heard anything about it? As if we're engaged or something... UGH!  
  
Well, I open my mouth while trying to quickly piece together some kind of excuse, when Terry walks up out of nowhere (I swear he must have some kind of psychic connection with me) and says to Rupert, Because she's my date, so back off.  
  
I'm still a little fuzzy on what happened next. One second Terry was there, and the next second _I_ was there in Terry's arms, lips pressed to his, his tongue in my mouth (which was surprisingly nice, especially when he started playing with the tongue ring). I'm not sure how long this lasted, but when it was over Rupert was stalking off in a huff.   
  
I kind of stood there and blinked as Terry dragged me around a corner, suddenly coughing and spitting like he had tasted poison. But I don't care what he says, he knows he liked the tongue ring even if he does claim that kissing a girl was the most disgusting thing he's ever had to do in his entire life.  
  
**9:00 pm  
  
** I gave Venom his medicine and he hasn't moved since.... I hope I haven't killed him.  
  
**9:56 pm  
  
** He still hasn't moved.  
  
**10:32 pm  
  
** Maybe I should poke him a little, I can't even tell if he's still breathing.  
  
**10:48 pm  
  
** Finally stopped the bleeding, I hope Mme. Pomfrey can reattach this finger alright....  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join! It will save you the trouble of having to check all the time!))


	17. 2010: Close Calls

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
20 October  
  
**8:51 am  
  
** Do any other girls have dreams about being a member of the opposite sex and going out with a gay guy, or am I just special?  
  
Ugh, but it's so bad! I can't stop thinking about Terry! And _that kiss!!!_ It's not that I like him or anything, I mean he's even more out-of-my-reach than Ollie, considering.... And I would never be untrue to my Dearest Olliest, but _honestly!_ That Ravenclaw boy doesn't know what he's missing out on!  
  
I hate sitting around waiting for classes to start. It's so boring. Not that I'm really looking forward to hearing Professor Snape go on and on for the next hour. Of course, I could just close my eyes and listen to his voice and pretend different words were being said... because he has a very nice voice... like I've mentioned before...  
  
He just stormed in and went straight to his office. But on his way he turned his face this way and his hair flared so very nicely around it. I love it when he does that. Sure, his hair is greasy and everything, but it works so well for that motion. It is positively pornographic.  
  
What am I saying?!  
  
I am fantasizing about my Potions Master again. This is not healthy. Honestly, it's Snape. I mean, sure, back in the day it would be okay, you know, when he was like 18, maybe even up to 26 or so, but he's like almost forty, I'm sure, and that's just wrong.  
  
Hmmmm.... I wonder if I can find an old yearbook with him in it....  
  
Renee, STOP!!!  
  
You know, I think I forgot to give Venom his medicine this morning. I must be sure to take care of that next time I see him.  
  
Ah, here comes the man of the hour! Why is his hair so sexy today? How can he expect his female students to focus on Potions when he's up there speaking so sexily about... well... whatever he's talking about in that sexy voice, and then we have to ignore the sexy hair too? It's definitely not fair. He makes me want---  
  
((This next part was pasted in later on a piece of parchment))  
  
**9:07 am  
  
**OhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigoshOhmigosh........  
  
He took up my little black book and went in his office. What if he reads what I wrote? My life will be SO OVER!!!  
  
What am I talking about? It already _is_ over! I'll be serving detention for a month whether he reads it or not!  
  
What if he reads it out loud????  
  
NOOOOOOOO!  
  
He can't read it.... what will he do....?  
  
I'm going to cry....  
  
............................................  
  
I need a hug.  
  
((Back in the book now))  
  
**12:31 pm  
  
** Phew. That ended better than I thought it would. He gave it back at the end of class and just said he'd better not see it again. But he was very nice about, he didn't even give me a detention. That's strange...  
  
His eyes are so sexy up-close....  
  
Away, Demon!  
  
Alright, better now.  
  
So I guess that means he didn't read it. That's a relief. I mean, if he had, it surely would have made him angry, right?  
  
But now I feel alone and neglected. Here I am at lunch with no one special to talk to. Oliver and Terry both are at the Ravenclaw table attempting to woo their personal preferences, and I don't know where Crys is, so I am utterly alone.  
  
Well, since I already ate, I guess I could run back to my room for a bit and grab a quick nap.  
  
**1:31 pm  
  
** I figured out where Crys was.  
  
She had climbed on top of our dresser in an attempt to escape Venom when he came flying at her head as she walked through the door before going to lunch... and then she never made it to lunch.  
  
I knew I shouldn't have forgotten that bloody medicine....  
  
Anyway, she had resorted to throwing anything and everything at him once he ate her wand, but it only seemed to encourage him more. That will probably cause the poor dear quite a bit of indigestion, but maybe it will at least force him to be more careful of what he eats. Especially things like people.  
  
I don't know how much longer Crys would have lasted if I hadn't come in and forced that potion down his throat. I also don't know why he attacked Crys, I mean, she's _certainly_ not his mummy. And he didn't even _try_ to attack me.  
  
She's not talking to me now, I can't imagine why. Honestly, I saved her life!  
  
**11:22 pm  
  
** I feel so... depressed... and... I don't know...  
  
........unloved...........  
  
...neglected...  
  
betrayed  
  
_stabbed in the back  
  
_**ANGRY!!!  
**  
..................................  
  
Okay, I've already been crying for an hour on Crys' shoulder (I'm so glad she's talking to me again), I have _got_ to get a hold of myself.  
  
But it's just so hard when you see one of your making out with the guy you would die for, especially after they've said that they have absolutely no interest in said guy.  
  
**I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!  
**  
Oh no... I'm starting to cry again... Thank you, Crys, for being here to comfort me even though my sweet baby tried to eat you...  
  
Maybe I'll go back to fantasizing about Snape. I don't think I'll ever find _him_ making out with a Ravenclaw chick in the dark secluded corridors of Hogwarts.  
  
Or maybe I'll just get a sex change and love Terry.  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join! It will save you the trouble of having to check all the time!))


	18. 2410: Danny and Snappy

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
24 October  
  
**6:15 am  
**  
ONLY ONE MORE WEEK TILL THE HALLOWEEN PARTY!!!!  
  
So, on a different note, I have figured out why Venom keeps launching himself upon Crys. Apparently it is in an effort to relieve himself of... sexual tension.... ahem...  
  
HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Why is this so hard to talk about with a straight face? Honestly, my best friend's getting sexually attacked by my pet rat!  
  
But it's so _bloody hilarious!!!  
_  
Now I have even more medicine for him to take. At least Hagrid always has a solution to every problem, and I have quite a few.  
  
I hope I'm not medicating poor Venny too much. That could be bad. I wouldn't want to hurt the poor little guy!  
  
Alright, time for Quidditch practice. Blarg! I hate it sometimes...  
  
Except Terry promised he'd be there today and that he would bring Ollie.  
  
Does my makeup and hair look alright? Perfect. I will have to be sure he sees it before I sweat it the makeup off and get knots all in my hair from the wind.  
  
**7:57 am  
  
** Quidditch practice was insane, but nice. Ollie totally ignored me though after a while, and he seemed really depressed about something.  
  
He should ask me why he's depressed. I'd tell him that it's because he needs a girlfriend like me to be complete.  
  
Then again, no one ever listens to what I have to say.  
  
He did ask me a somewhat strange question, about if I had received any interesting owls lately. He was so cute when he asked about it, too.  
  
I said, No, why? and he just shrugged while Terry sniggered. They're so strange. Especially Terry. Queer-strange, really, if you know what I mean.  
  
Then I had to open my big mouth and ask something about Laura. It was a completely harmless question about how they were doing, but still it made him angry or something. But I couldn't help it! I mean, whenever I see her, she's always with him, and I still can't forget what I saw Monday night. After all, it nearly broke my fragile little heart!  
  
Well he got all touchy about it and told me it wasn't any of my business, but that he really likes Laura a lot and eventually she'll like him too.  
  
I just kind of stared blankly at him, but deep down inside I was grinning broadly and thinking, Feel the pain, Oliver Wood. Feel it and _suffer!!!_  
  
But what I actually said was, Excuse me for trying to make conversation! You act as if you think _I_ like you or something. Well, rest assured, Mr. Wood, I have no interest in you _what_soever!  
  
Then I strutted away with both of the guys staring at me in shock, until Terry started smirking his little Terry-ish smirk and followed me.  
  
Feeling brave today, aren't we? he asked.  
  
I snapped a cold glare on him, said a short yes, and then grabbed him and kissed the hell out of him.  
  
After it was over he looked like he was about to die, but let's not overlook the fact that moments before he actually kissed _back_.  
  
So he staggered off the field as practice started, mumbling something about wanting Daniel, and I had a very good morning practice. Bloody brilliant, really. Never missed a shot.  
  
That was odd....  
  
Snape just walked in, and he really looked rather nice. I think it was the hair. It looked clean or something.  
  
I didn't quite have time to hide this quickly enough, so just sort of shut it as he wandered to where I am sitting with Crys. I thought he was going to take it and kill me with it this time. But no. He didn't look angry, in fact he almost looked happy or something as little as and go together (so would that be Teeheeheeee). I know he saw the book, but I guess he chose to ignore it as he told me that he wanted to meet with me tonight. Something about wanting a bit of a report from the Slytherin Head Girl to see what was going on.  
  
Then he went into his office, but I'm sure he'll be back soon to start class, so I guess that's all for now.  
  
**12 noon  
  
** Sitting here with Crys and Terry. Terry's been watching the Ravenclaw table like a hawk waiting for that Daniel kid to come along. He won't stop whistling Danny Boy either. I'm about to rip all of the metal out of his face.  
  
Oh, there we go. He just walked in and Ter's grinning like the Big Bad Wolf. Now he's gesturing him over.  
  
And Daniel... is pretending not to see him....  
  
Oh, but Terry does not look discouraged... though I don't know what he's got planned. Should I be scared? Probably. He's got that damn smirk on his face again!!!  
  
And... he's climbing on top of the table...  
  
And... he's bending upon one knee and throwing his arms forward...  
  
And... he's singing... -_-;  
  
Oh Danny Boy,  
  
The pipes, the pipes are calling...  
  
That's just... not right....  
  
**7:31 pm  
  
** So my meeting with Snappy was rather interesting, though I'm still a little confused as to what it was actually about. I mean, I walked in and he grimaced at me, which I think is his form of a smile, though one can never be certain, and he asked me to take a seat.  
  
So I sat and he offered me tea. I had some so as not to appear rude, though I was very careful with it at first. After all, he _is_ the Potions master. But I ended up drinking some and I'm still alive so I guess it was okay.  
  
Then we just sort of... talked. He asked me mostly how all of us were in Slytherin House and if I had noticed any problems, and if any were to arise I should tell him immediately.  
  
Then it was even weirder when he started going on about my plans for the future. He wanted to know a lot about me. It was too weird. Honestly, he never takes that much positive interest in a student. It's almost as if he read my journal after all and enjoyed what he read...  
  
.........  
  
No, that's impossible...  
  
It is, isn't it?  
  
I feel kinda sick... I think I'm gonna go to bed now. I don't care if it is Friday.  
  
ONE WEEK TILL THE PARTY!!!!!  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join! It will save you the trouble of having to check all the time!))


	19. 2910: Happy Sad Day

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
29 October  
  
**7:58 am  
  
** Bloody brilliant Quidditch morning! Perfect really, except for the Oliver Wood parts. But the Draco Malfoy parts couldn't have been better!  
  
Oh, how wrong that does sound.  
  
I don't know if I can handle these practices starting at six in the morning. Very tiring. I don't care if our first match against Gryffindor _is_ this Saturday, I need some sleep. It's bad timing anyway, being right after the Halloween party and all.  
  
So anyway! Why Quidditch was just that great.  
  
Sharron of Puddlemere United was there again with Ollie and Ter, and wanted to see me and Malfoy fight it out for the Snitch. Maybe this was the real reason behind the early practice, I'm not sure.  
  
Well Malfoy wasn't very happy about this naturally, thinking that when--I mean _if_--I beat him, they would probably make me the Seeker, but he was assured that that wouldn't happen, it was mostly for curiosity's sake.  
  
But I of course didn't want to leave it at that, so I said to him, I'll bet you that I'm the better Seeker.  
  
And what do I get out of it when I win? he asked. (--as if!)  
  
What would you like?  
  
A bad thing to ever ask a Malfoy. He smirked at me in that Malfoy way which can only mean one thing...  
  
It made me want to hurl.  
  
Alright, fine. But if I win, I get to pick out your costume for the Halloween Ball.  
  
Oh, that made him nervous, but he certainly wasn't going to back down in front of the entire Slytherin Quidditch team, so we shook on it.  
  
Are you sure about this, Renee? Ollie asked sweetly while Sharron set up the temporary teams. I thought it was terribly cute of him to be worried about my--ahem--chastity.  
  
Honestly, Ollie, I said, you know I'm better than he is. You've seen us both play as Seekers.  
  
He smiled nervously and nodded. He was so cute and concerned!  
  
Sharron told Terry to play Beater against me, and he seemed so eager. I guess he's always dreamed of beating me... ahem...  
  
Okay, he just likes boys....  
  
Each of us had one Beater and two acting Chasers (our second Beater got to be a Chaser for once, so did our Keeper). The Keepers didn't exist for this since we weren't really trying to score points, just reenact the busyness of a real Quidditch match and make it challenging.  
  
I already had more working against me than Malfoy. Terry can actually aim, and quite accurately at that (after all, he _is_ a professional). And they came super fast right at my head. But he never quite got me, even though it took me a few minutes to get used to the whole dodging thing again.  
  
You know the Seeker routine: Sit on your perch while looking for the glint of gold, occasionally stopping to dodge a rabid bludger. It's really not all that difficult... well, at least not for those of us with _some_ Seeking capabilities.  
  
So I totally faked Malfoy out. I saw the Snitch and dived... about 90 degrees from the actual angle I needed to go, all the while keeping it in the corner of my eye. Then when I saw Malfoy take the bait, I did this cute little curve-around and went after the real Snitch. By the time Draco realized what was going on, it was too late for him.  
  
Bloody brilliant, as I said.  
  
So there was much rejoicing. Ter hugged me and said I was great, Sharron rushed off to do something after smiling and congratulating me, and Ollie stared in awe.  
  
And Malfoy sulked.  
  
So now I'm debating between two ideas for his costume: cute frilly pink lace or sexy red silk? I'm leaning more towards sexy, myself.... because that would require fake boobs.  
  
**10:01 am  
  
** So I never got to go into detail about Ollie because Snape came in and I don't want to press my luck...  
  
I talked to him after practice (which he agreed was bloody brilliant) and asked him what he was going as to the party. He shrugged, looking terribly sad at the mention of the event. Probably just my old Gryffindor Quidditch uniform.  
  
Wow, that's very creative, I joked. Laura's costume will be adorably sexy, but you probably wouldn't want to match it, what with all the pink and black.  
  
I have a feeling we won't be together much at the party after we walk through the door, he sighed.  
  
I find it so hard to suppress my elation at times, but I was a good girl. I asked intelligently.  
  
She just can't see past the whole Quidditch celebrity thing. It really bothers her.  
  
Well that's easily solved. Either quit the team or find a sexy Quidditch playing chick such as myself, I said with a wink.  
  
He didn't smile back. Renee, don't misunderstand me, I like you a lot, but nothing could ever develop between us.  
  
Honestly, I don't know where he gets these crazy ideas....  
  
And why is that?  
  
Because... you're a Slytherin, your family would hate me, and you're already such a good friend that... that if something happened I would never be able to forgive myself for breaking you heart.  
  
And that was the end of that conversation because if I would have said anything else I would have started crying.  
  
Okay, so I did cry.  
  
I cried oceans.  
  
Terry saw me and cuddled me, telling me everything would be alright whatever it was because we were going to a party in two days and we would have the best time of our lives putting on a show for everyone and that we would sing and dance and be crazy. That made me smile. Then he went on about Quidditch and how I should try out for pro and stuff, it was all very crazy but it made me feel better, and made me excited again about this morning's practice, so excited I had to write about that first. I love Terry.  
  
But now that I'm thinking about Ollie again... Does that mean he really does like me? Like _a lot_? Hm....  
  
Yes, Malfoy definitely needs the sexy red silk.  
  
**11:32 pm  
  
** I've been singing Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend at my sexy self in the mirror for the past hour, in full costume too! Crys is also wearing hers, and she's about to kill me if I don't shut up... and so are the girlies in the rooms above and below and beside me...  
  
Honestly, I don't sound that bad. Crys even admitted that I sounded sexy, it's just that I've been doing it for an hour.  
  
Heh, Crys said I was sexy. Who's the lezzer now?  
  
OUCH!  
  
Those spiky high-heels of hers are deadly.  
  
First she could throw things at me in her sleep. Now she throws things as I write stuff about her in here. That's crazy and creepy and has got to stop.  
  
Maybe I'll just stop medicating Venom for revenge upon her, heh heh heh.  
  
OW!  
  
((Some good news and bad news:  
There will only be one (maybe two) entries more for _How I Hate Loving Oliver Wood_. I appreciate all of your support and compliments and suggestions so very much, and I'm so very glad you enjoyed this story.  
In FACT! I loved it all so much that I am going to be making a (dare I say it) SEQUEL! I will tell you more about it in the next entry, which will be the long-awaited Halloween party, and will be posted on the evening of October 31st (isn't that appropriate?) Thanks for reading!))  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join! It will save you the trouble of having to check all the time!))


	20. 3110: It Was the Tea, I Swear!

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
31 October  
  
**5:48 am  
  
** Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!  
  
I'm so excited, I'm up at 5:48! And happy about it! Crazy!  
  
It's the day! It's the day!  
  
I've already checked my costume to make sure everything's still there and ready. Wouldn't want anything going wrong at the last second, after all.  
  
I can't stop bouncing around like a crazy person!  
  
Okay, so maybe I am a crazy person, but who can blame me? TODAY'S THE DAY!  
  
Gotta get to Quidditch practice now (practice on Halloween, an early one no less... these people are insane!). At least it will give me a chance to give Malfoy his costume for tonight, eh heh. The sexy red dress is all ready for him. I'm sure he will be the Belle of the Ball!  
  
**7:49 am  
  
** Quidditch practice ended a bit early, which made me happy. Gave me some socialization time.  
  
Oh, Malfoy does love his dress. He loves it so much that he just couldn't think of words to express his gratitude when he received the beautiful gift.  
  
Then he started saying things that sounded strangely like he wanted to back out of our deal. But I reminded him how I _am_ the Head Girl of Slytherin and all the many ways I could make his life miserable. He didn't complain anymore. I'm sure he'll make the best of it.  
  
**9:30 am  
  
** That was strange and scary. The more I'm around Snape the more he frightens me. He let all of us out of class rather early and asked me to stay. Then he asked me what I was doing for the party and I told him that I was going with Terry. He sort of got this shadow of an actual expression on his face somewhere between confusion and... disappointment, maybe? I guess he knows Ter's little secret... not that Ter tries to hide it or anything. That boy doesn't even _think_ straight....  
  
Then Snape was all like, That's nice. Here, have some tea, and pushed a teacup across his desk towards me. It was rather strange and random and I just stood there blinking at it for a moment.  
  
Um, thanks, I said, taking it uncertainly and sniffing it. As I explained last time he gave me tea, one never knows what a Potions Master can come up with. But I guessed that since the last cup of tea was safe, this one would be too.  
  
Was I ever wrong.  
  
I knew from the first sip that this wasn't your average cup of tea, yet I wanted more which rather freaked me out. So I quickly put the cup back down, a little _too_ quickly.  
  
Don't you like your tea, Miss Helmer? Snape asked in an especially seductive voice, running his index finger along the side of his own cup in a come-hither manner. It was even worse when I looked at him, because... oh, I can't bring myself to write it...  
  
I wanted him so badly.  
  
But I was a good girl, and fortunately my sharp Slytherin mind works better under the influence of drugged tea. I just remembered that I need to finish something up for my next class! I lied. But thank you for the tea, Professor. It really was... _delicious..._  
  
Okay, so maybe I had a on the last word...  
  
So now I'm a walking fog of hormones. Splendid.  
  
**12 noon  
  
** At lunch. It's really quite boring. Terry's nowhere to be found, but he'll be here later. He said he'd meet me outside of Slytherin Tower at seven tonight.  
  
Ollie's not around either. I do hope he's still planning on going even if Laura isn't exactly fond of him.  
  
Speak of the devil...  
  
**12:09 pm  
  
** It takes so much effort not to kill her.  
  
I don't know why I hate her so much, especially since she was just coming to apologize in her Laura-ish way for everything. Apparently she and Crys had a long conversation about Oliver and my feelings concerning that particular subject.  
  
So I'm temporarily hating both of them, but hatred towards Laura is permanent. I am hating people a lot more than I usually allow myself to hate people. Why?!  
  
It's the bloody tea, I tell you...  
  
I'm going to go back to my room and pout for the next hour...  
  
**12:29 pm  
  
** What am I going to do?! What can I _possibly_ do?!?!  
  
Obviously we'll start with skinning Venom alive, then we'll cut off his tail, and then we'll finish him off by beheading him.  
  
No, I'm not overreacting because of the tea, SHUT UP!  
  
He's eaten my costume.  
  
Not all of it, but the pretty sparkly thing, the thing that _makes_ it the Sparkling Diamond costume!!  
  
I... I just... I wish... I'm gonna.... I-I-I-I......  
  
I need a hug.  
  
**12:53 pm  
  
** Or I guess I just need more friends like Crys and Laura.  
  
Fairy Tale moment!  
  
I was sitting on the floor crying my eyes out, holding the remains of my costume in my hands when Crys came in with Laura. Crys immediately began comforting me and such. She didn't even scream at me for forgetting Venom's medicine this morning when he launched himself at her head. She just threw her Arithmancy book at him, that'll scare the little bastard off for a while...  
  
So anyway. While Crys was cuddling me, Laura stood quietly off to the side. Then she said, Is that all he destroyed?  
  
I... of course... overreacted... because of the tea. It's making me horrible today. Anyway, I shouted something to the effect of, What do you mean Is that all?!' That was the most important part! That was _everything_!  
  
She just gave me that emotionless Laura expression accompanied by the signature apathetic Laura shrug. I was just thinking that I've got plenty of that material left. If I skipped the rest of my classes, I could easily make another one for you by tonight. But whatever.  
  
A Ravenclaw that skips. I knew there was something I liked about that kid.  
  
So we're all happy and made-up now, even if she _is_ going with Oliver to the party. She's working busily now, Crys and I are in class, and Venom is unconscious.  
  
**6:47 pm  
  
** It's almost time, and I have a complete costume!!  
  
I can't believe Laura actually finished it in time! It looks even better than the first. Quite sexy really.  
  
I can't stop staring at myself in the mirror and striking sexy poses. I'm so vain. What can I say?  
  
I can hardly contain my excitement!  
  
AAAAAAAH!  
  
There. That's a little better.  
  
What's wrong with me? Why am I so crazy?  
  
It's got to be the tea.  
  
**8:27 pm  
  
** So this was supposed to be such a wonderful excitement-filled evening that I wouldn't have time to write in my Black Book.  
  
And here we are.  
  
Terry's gone off to figure out where Daniel is. Apparently Daniel and some other kids signed up to walk around with trays and serve refreshments. They have the cutest little uniforms on, too!  
  
But the cuteness is costing me my date. Oh well. It's not like I didn't expect it.  
  
The evening has been a bit of a success thus far, I must admit. Malfoy looks sufficiently put-out in his red dress. He justified his wearing a dress by getting his girlfriend Pansy to dress in a tux, which she seems all too happy to be doing. As much as I typically can't stand that girl, she does look rather adorable. I'm just sad now because I'm not the only girl in a top hat.  
  
So what else is going on?  
  
Crys is off with what's-his-face her date. Laura came in with Ollie. They talked to me a while earlier. Ollie was rather amused by Malfoy's costume. Then he went off on how amazing of a Seeker I was until he suddenly seemed to recall Laura's discomfort of the Quidditch subject and they went off.  
  
I haven't seen them dance or kiss or hold hands or _anything_!  
  
Life's great!  
  
**8:35 pm  
  
** That was most disturbing.  
  
Snape just came up and asked me in his exceptionally seductive voice if I would like to dance. And I found it most difficult to say no.  
  
Damn tea...  
  
I decided the best course of action would be to laugh at him as if he were joking while keeping myself from pouncing on him.  
  
Good thing I only took a sip. The whole thing might have killed us both in the long run.  
  
He also seemed very fond of my costume, which is quite revealing. That's... kind of scary as well.  
  
Oh! There's Terry! He's coming this way! Maybe he's actually decided to give me the time of day...  
  
**9:02 pm  
  
** I HATE TERRY!!!!!!  
  
He sits down, looks at me really sweetly, and asks me to dance.  
  
I'm thinking that it's oh about time of course.  
  
So we're dancing and he's looking around and sort of... steering us about the room, if you will... Of course I made some sort of snide remark because I was feeling remarkably used. Then Terry looks straight at me, as if noticing my presence for the first time. This of course proceeds to piss me off further, so I push him away and start to walk away, but then he grabs me, twirls me around, and pulls me very incredibly amazingly close and I just about lose all self-control. And that's ignoring the incredibly sexy expression on his face. Then he has to start talking in this amazingly seductive voice... and saying the things he said... his breath brushing against my ear, sending chills through me:  
  
Oh, Renee, you now I've always loved you. You are certainly the only woman who could ever make me feel this way...  
  
Etcetera, etcetera.  
  
And all this while we've been dancing, and I've been melting against him and following his every step. Then he suddenly twirls me out and _lets go...  
_  
The bastard.  
  
Next thing I know I look back and he's dancing with a very baffled Daniel. It would have been cute if I didn't want to kill Terry so badly.  
  
Ugh! I can't believe I fell for that!  
  
It's that _bloody tea!!!  
_  
The band just started doing this thing where people can go up and sing any song of their choice... well, within reason, of course.  
  
So I'm having this idea...  
  
No, I couldn't. I really couldn't.  
  
Well, I _do_ know all the words. And I'm dressed appropriately. And I can pull off some really sexy moves with it. And my voice apparently sounds sexy when I sing it.  
  
And I can launch an all-out attack on Ollie.  
  
Oh, why the hell not.  
  
**11:52 pm  
**  
The French were bred to diiiie for love.  
They delight in fighting duels.  
But I prefer a man who lives,  
And gives expensive jewels.  
  
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental,  
But diamonds are a girl's best friend.  
A kiss may be grand, but it won't pay the rental  
On your humble flat, or help you feed your (Mm!) pussycat...  
Men grow cold as girls grow old,  
And we all lose our charms in the end.  
But square-cut or pear-shaped,  
These rocks don't lose their shape.  
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.  
  
Tiffany's!  
Cartier!  
  
Cause we are living in a material world,  
And I am a material _girl_...  
  
Come an' get me boys!  
YOW!  
  
Blackstar... Rosco...  
Talk to me, Harry Zidler, tell me all about it!  
  
There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer,  
But diamonds are a girl's best friend.  
There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer  
Thinks you're awful nice,  
But get that ice or else no dice.  
He's your guy when stocks are high,  
But beware when they start to descend.  
Diamonds are a girl's best-  
Diamonds are a girl's best-  
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.  
  
Cuz that's when those louses go back to their spouses,  
Diamooooooooonds, are aaaaaaaa, giiiiiiiiiiiirl's, beeeeeeeeest, _friend!_  
  
Only two words to describe this evening:  
Spectacular! Spectacular!  
  
The whole school was cheering, it was absolutely wonderful!  
  
But of course the best part was when I ended up on Ollie's lap, and he found me so incredibly irresistible that he...  
  
...I'm getting all giddy again just thinking about it....  
  
HE KISSED ME!   
  
And then! And then! And then!  
  
We went outside for a walk, and he told me that (if I were still willing) he'd like to give a relationship between us a go.  
  
Then we found a nice spot under a tree...  
  
I'm so incredibly happy!  
  
What happened when we came back an hour later was even better... well, maybe not better, but still rather good. Ollie was all worried about talking to Laura, especially since she and I are such good friends and all.  
  
Well, we walk in, and the first thing we see is Laura making out in the corner with the pierced-faced leader of tonight's band.  
  
Yeah right, she doesn't like celebrities.  
  
I'll bet they were just having fun with eachother's tongue rings.  
  
Oh, I don't even want to think about that.  
  
Anyway, he looked slightly upset, but I kissed him and he soon forgot all about it.  
  
Everyone was leaving at that point. Reluctantly I said good night to Ollie and gave him a generous good-bye kiss. He said he'd come see me tomorrow in the Quidditch game, teehee. I wonder what side he'll actually be rooting for...  
  
Then I was walking towards Slytherin Tower when I saw none other than Terry Thrasher wandering around with this dazed (but overly happy) expression on his face, and his hand on his neck like he was rubbing a sore spot. His clothes were also rather disheveled. Danny was nowhere to be found.  
  
I smirked and said, You converted him, didn't you.  
  
He smiled and laughed. _Oh_ yes. Yes. Yes, I did. He looked and sounded incredibly tired... and his face was rather pale.  
  
What did you two do?  
  
He grinned even more. I thought you didn't like to hear the gory details.  
  
Alright, never mind, we'll consider that question answered. Why are you holding your neck like that?  
  
I didn't know he could grin anymore than he already was. A gory detail. But oh-so kinky.  
  
Oh, come on!  
  
Alright, you asked for it...  
  
He removed his hand, revealing a smear of blood which seeped from two tiny punctures on his neck.  
  
I thought I was going to hurl. I'm such a wimp.  
  
He... he's a vampire... I said, restating the obvious as usual.  
  
_Oh_ yes.  
  
Are you two... together' then?  
  
He nodded, smiling stupidly. It was pathetically adorable.  
  
But I shooed him away to the Hospital Wing because I didn't want him bleeding all over the pretty rugs.  
  
And that was my wonderful evening. I have a boyfriend, and not just _any_ boyfriend, but _Oliver Wood!_ I never though it would actually happen....  
  
I can't wait to see him tomorrow.  
  
Brilliant evening.  
  
It must have been that wonderful tea.  
  
((Two pics to direct you to:  
The Game of Love, very cute pic of Ollie, Renee, Terry, and Danny:  
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/fanq/c/a/carolg2/gameoflove.jpg.html  
  
Draco In Drag, a little self-explanatory, Draco in the dress with Pansy in the tux:  
http://bluejackal.youlanda.com/art/2002/dracodrag.jpg  
  
Thanks for the pictures, Carol! ))  
  
((One small entry left to go to set up the sequel, but there was the big night! I hope you enjoyed it! Believe me, I've been stressing over this one quite a bit... I'm anxious to hear what you thought of it! Please please please review! And thanks to all of you, you're wonderful!  


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  
=^_^=  


  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join! It will save you the trouble of having to check all the time!))


	21. 0111: And They Lived Happily Ever After

**_Renee Helmer's Little Black Book_**___  
(Otherwise Known as a Diary)_  


  
1 November  
  
**4:12 pm  
  
** I am in a confused Renee stupor (nothing terribly new there). Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming.  
  
I mean, it was weird enough waking up this morning and realizing that I--Renee Helmer--am the girlfriend of the sexiest man alive, Oliver Wood. I was in a funk the whole while I was getting ready for the Quidditch match. I couldn't stop _giggling_ of all things.  
  
Then I got pissed off because my broomstick was _nowhere_ to be found! I'd accuse Crys of stealing it except she's afraid of heights. What use would she have for a broomstick?  
  
Well I walked out of Slytherin Tower in a tizzy, and _guess who_ was waiting outside for me?  
  
Sigh!  
  
I was so happy to discover that I had not just been caught up in a very elaborate dream. Oh no. It was all quite real.  
  
Then he let me borrow _his_ broomstick, and I don't think I need to go in to detail about how much fun practicing this morning was! Getting back on that Nimbus 2001 was actually disappointing.  
  
Well, as usual, I've gotten off-track. I was going to explain why I'm in a giddy Renee stupor... besides the fact that I'm the girlfriend of Oliver Wood.  
  
I'm the girlfriend of Oliver Wood.  
  
I just _love_ writing that!  
  
So anyway, it would appear that Puddlemere United would like to sign me on as their new Seeker...  
  
Eat _that_, Draco Malfoy!  
  
I can't believe this is actually happening! It's just too perfect! I've already been given a Port Key so that I will still be able to go to school and PU (p-u, hahaha!) practices at the same time. I am going to be spending every waking moment of my life with Oliver Wood! I'm going to be rich! Hell, they're going to turn me into an action figure and little girls will have posters of me on their walls and little boys will have posters of me on their ceilings!  
  
I'm so so so happy! I just want to run around aimlessly and hug people and tell them all about how wonderful I am!  
  
Where's Venom? He'd like to know, and he's so incredibly huggable...  
  
Hm. That's odd. He's floating around against the ceiling. Wonder how he managed that...?  
  
And I wish I knew what happened to my broom.  
  
((THE END! Well... except for the sequel... which can be found at:  
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1189043  
I hope you enjoy! ^_^  
Thanks to all of you for your support and help. You're wonderful!  
Love Kira))


End file.
